on a bed of nails i wait

with the sunlight in my eye and my heart in my hand.

i have got so much things going on in my life right now. the never ending piles of notes (which i filed very ness-style: systematic and neat) begging me to study them and the leavers who are trying to break in. the last thing i want to have on my mind right now is you.

i have morphed into someone so fucking heartless and soulless. constantly wishing there was an easier way to rip my heart out without needing to clean up the mess the next morning. sometimes the last thing you want comes in first. sometimes the first thing you want never comes. everyday you wake up. you carefully put on your mask with a painfully hand painted smile. you come home, and your angry tears threaten to fall. you fall asleep. you wake up. fuck, it's another day. suddenly, i can't think of anything else to be angry with except myself.

i'm just gonna walk away. run, if i have to. because we are just skeptics like the rest of them. my insecurities killed me, i won't let that happen again. i will forgive and try to forget. and i'm learning to build a fence around my heart and stop searching for answers.

i look into my cupboard and stare at all the shopping bags. what do i need all these pretty clothes for now? especially when we all know i'm so ugly deep inside.

and now, we can't have it.
anymore.
+