your second hand smoke

i got home today and i found this big box of daisies in my hall way from an anonymous. jingwen i love you everyday, even on days when you dont surprise me with daisies. thank you for going all out to cheer me up. and thank you for making such a lucky guess that my favorite flowers are daisies. guardian angel indeed. god definitely spent a little more time on you.

*
one day i will forget how my head fits perfectly on your shoulder.
one day i will forget how my hand fits perfectly around your arm.
one day i will forget your smile.
one day i will forget your face.
and maybe one day i might even forget your name.

right now i am supressed by all this pain and it's nearly choking me. if the trick is to keep on breathing, then why does that method keep failing me every single fucking night? am i just going to kill myself slowly everyday until i forget your name, or am i going to let go of this sinking ship that i'm hanging so fucking tightly on to. you pulled me up this ship but weeks later you threw me out hoping to protect me from the worst, hoping that i'll be able to swim away to safety. but after throwing me out you walked away; you left. little did you know i'm still hanging on with my bruised hands and bleeding heart. and hanging on to every single fucking word you said. i can't swim, no i can't fucking swim away just like that. i'd rather drown. but i dont want you to see me drowning.